My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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