What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
