Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
