Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
