foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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