Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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