somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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