I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
