Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
