I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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