maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
