she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE