If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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