I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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