I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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