I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
