Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Who died my cat blue again?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
