There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i believe in u and ur pee
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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