guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
