I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
