Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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