My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I fill condoms, not promises.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
