Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
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He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
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I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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