It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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