I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
