Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
