sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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