I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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