I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
