dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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