I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
