You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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