it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
