if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
