Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
