when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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