I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If I die, sorry about rent.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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