you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
