Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
