those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
