just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
