I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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