turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
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Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
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WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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