I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
