I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
