I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
