So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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