I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
