so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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