Apparently you make a good broom.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
