Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
