i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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