I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
They have beer where we have blood.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
