Where is the hickey?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
