Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
